Ask any mobster about the Mafia, and he will tell you, point blank, "there is no such thing as the Mafia." This self-denial is key to our fascination with La Cosa Nostra. Because it's not some half-assed, unorganized affiliation of people, the Mafia's self-denial contributes to an overall paradoxical existence we can't help but ponder: rebels who brashly defy public law unfalteringly enforce their own internal form of jurisprudence; men powerful enough to control empires and other men are unable to admit the nature of their own existence. The expectation anyone would actually believe such a transparently phony self-renunciation is laughable.
Ask any conservative about conservative homosexuals, and he will tell you, point blank, "there is no such thing as a conservative homosexual." Ironically, these self-loathing types go out of their way to condemn homosexuality. And since to most reasonably intelligent outsiders their sexuality is obvious, their behavior is laughable. Add to this already comedic formula the fact Michael Weiner constantly refers to "The Homosexual Mafia," and well, I just had to put something together.
All images, music, ideas, and nonsense herein © 2007, Faux News Channel.com
This hilarious, satire-rich web site, full of political mockery is in no way affiliated with HBO, "The Sopranos," or any form of organized crime. Nor is it associated with Michael Weiner, or any other obviously closeted conservative hatemonger.
I do not hate homosexuals. I do not believe people choose their sexual orientation, nor do I mean to demean homosexuality with the contents of this page. I do, however, intend to point out - through politically incorrect means - the absurdity of those closeted gays on the right who so vehemently deride openly homosexual behavior.
All material herein is intended as parody. Similarities in format or "personnel" are satirical. If you're looking for a case of the Big Hammer, sue me. Hell, I dare you to sue me. I could use the material.
Comments
UNDERBOSS
Foley "Walnuts" Ragazzoamore
Motto: Giri la pagina, continui a "leggere"
Age: 60
Other aliases:
"Face Down" Firenzano
Lenny Ladroculla
Trademark: Leaves a bib, or pacifier, after making a hit
SOLDIER
Little Flunkee "Dirty" Sanchez
Age: 38
Other Aliases: Cannoli Cowboy, Semper Bi
Claim to Fame: A true overachiever!
- Sanchez infiltrated the USMC, reached lofty rank of E-4 before 40 years of age!
- He's almost completed his Bachelor's Degree!
SOLDIER
Lonnie "Mustang" Latham
Age: 54
Trademark: Plays with an unchalked pool cue
Motto: Che getta la prima pietra!
Other Aliases: N. Decente, Sant'I Pocrita, "Luke"
COMARE (mistress)
Jimmy "Deeper Throat" Guchierti
Location: Always on top Sign: Sagittarius
Claim to Fame: Has personally known more
than 60% of the Homosexual Mafia
Motto: Ho preso il suo dorso
CONSIGLIERE
Silvio "Kenny Boy" Melmanna
Other Aliases:
Mikey Mezzodolce
Tony "AT&T"
Age: 44
Trademark: A masterful marksman!
Claim to Fame: Convinced CNN to
give ammazz' to a Bill Maher comment
SOLDIER
Carlo "Furio" Cristo
Age: 54
Other Aliases: Key West Kenny, Chip Calamari
Claim to Fame: Makes a mean Key Lime Pie
SOLDIER
Patsy "My Own Private Idaho" Craiguino
Age: 64
Other Aliases: Spuds McSilly, Mr. Potato Head, Larry the Lounge Lizard
Motto: Nessuna patata va disfatto
SOLDIER
Kenny "Feech" LaManstarr
Dethroned in the late 90s, Feech is still a member of the family
Age: 68
Claim to Fame: Once a hard-hitting Capo, reached too high and got burnt
SOLDIER
Eugene "Drudge" Pont-e-Acuso
Age: 45
Other Aliases: Il Crushee, The Left-Handed Scrivener
Claim to Fame: Known to make passionate love with his hat
SOLDIER
Eduardo "Schrock Jock" Blundetto
Age: 94
Motto: Silly rabbit, trolling for tricks is for kids
ASSOCIATE
Lindsey "Ashy" Grahabkin
Age: 98
Claim to Fame:
Infiltrated American hetero military complex, gained rank of Colonel
Motto: "Light Colonel, Light Loafers"
ASSOCIATE
Adriano "La Ciarlatana" Smithenzo
Age: 31
Motto:
Husk more cobs than a
cornhusker's husker can
CAPO
Eduardo "Ralphie" Rogerio
Age: 54
Other Aliases: Belle de Sud, Cheese Grater
Trademark: Initiates scuttles by slapping opponents with silken handkerchief
CAPO
Teodoro "Altar Boy" Haggardieri
Age: 58
Trademark: Uses a black highlighter when studying the Bible
Other Aliases: N. Dignato, Cannoli Curator
CAPO
Streg-Ana "Big Pussy" Coulterina
Age: 45, make that 41, 38, 32
Motto: Sto fondendosi!
Claim to Fame:
Hands-down winner of North Jersey's Pettiest Puchiac' medallion, 4 years in a row
CAPO
Pilonidio "Spataforever" Limbaguini
Age: 57
Trademark: Tobacco stains
Claim to Fame:
In 30 days, moved 14 tons of illicit
pharmaceuticals without leaving home
CAPO
Davey "Moltoinsanity" Dreiere
Age: Aquarius
Motto: Non apra il mio segreto
Claim to Fame: List of go-to beards includes Bo Derek
Other Aliases: Vic Vergogna
BOSS EMERITUS
Carlino "Junior" Corrovio
Age: 59
Motto: Come il padre gradisca il figlio
Other Aliases:
Jimmy Gelato,
Fiore de Merda
Trademark:
Trail of powdered sugar, or doughnut crumbs left behind
Claim to Fame:
Introduced Jimmy Guchierti to Lincoln Bedroom
BOSS MORTE #2
Jimmy West "Fish Lips" Lupertazzi
Age: Bronze
Location: Sleeping with the fishes
Claim to Fame: In a masterful act of plausible deniability, attained
mayorship of large town, then banned gays from casinos and other
gambling establishments
Other Aliases:
Sindaco Senza Senso, Labbra Pescano, Chatty Carly
Motto: Separare gli uomini dai ragazzi
BOSS MORTE #1
Arturo "Jackie" Finkelstinio
Age: Ancient
Claim to Fame: Original member of Homosexual
Mafia, with J. Edgar Hoover, George Lincoln
Rockwell
Location: Unknown, disappeared into Outed
Protection Program in 1996
Age: 63
Motto: "Give me repression, or give me Liberalism"
BOSS
Mikey
"Weiner Savage"
Sopsycho
Motto: Niente di migliore del farcendo
salciccia
Other Aliases: Padrino Pazzesco,
Chuck Mangiacane
Age: 67 (emotional age: 15)
Trademark:
Travels with poodle, refuses to clean up after
Claim to fame:
15 minutes mainstream exposure on MSNBC
Keglined
Beer can
History of the American Beer Can
Canco
beer can history
history beer can
